100%
I never thought I would see that number as the percentage of my FEV1 (Forced Expiratory Volume in 1 second). Even at my best, I can hardly remember that number being over 60% (likely 20 years ago). Before transplant I was at 25%. But I reached 100% at 4 months post-transplant, and while I was fighting off a cold, no less!
Percentages don’t give the most accurate picture even when one has their original lungs, so litre amounts are what we focus on more. Given that my new lungs are not necessarily those of a 34 year old female (in fact, I just found out today that my donor was a male!), the predicted measure and subsequent comparisons are somewhat irrelevant. While I am trying to keep all this in mind and not to get too hung up on a number (the overall picture is much bigger and more nuanced), this is still pretty significant symbolically!
However 100% presents a challenge, especially as a perfectionist: this number can be a bit of a trap. I’ve spent much of my life thinking about how to reach this point, hoping, trying, then realizing it was likely impossible barring a miracle. Then that miracle came by way of a transplant and I have worked to get these lungs up to great functionality, aiming for this number… and now… what? What if I can’t maintain it? How will I deal with that discouragement?
How do I not rest on my laurels? Now that I’ve reached it, can I let it go and keep moving forward? Does it become just another number?
What a freeing thought! It is just a number. It is a number that signifies something wonderful, true. But beyond that it holds no power. Here lies another gift of this journey, another gift from my donor (from him). Thank you. And thank you, God, for this milestone and this freedom. I feel the clenched fists of my perfectionism loosening their grasp as the healing parts of my soul whisper reminders of something bigger and better than a number.
