Today I find myself with a lot to process. There are many things that catch us off guard in life, and this journey is no exception. Some of those things are very hard and demand to be weathered. Some are unknown riches that we stumble upon.
This morning something hit me hard and I found myself struggling with MUCH to process out of nowhere: I found out that an acquaintance with CF who I've known since high school and who received a lung transplant 10 years ago passed away last week. I knew that her health had been declining and that the post-transplant life had presented some major challenges. She remained a kind, strong, full-hearted, courageous woman who advocated faithfully for transplant, CF research, and awareness. Her journey had a profound impact on my own over the years as we were close in age, but she was facing challenges much earlier than I, and her journey offered some hope and wisdom. It is strange to feel so connected to someone with whom I had so little contact, especially recently. However, her life left a significant impression on me.
When I read the news, I honestly felt overwhelmed, lost, numb. It felt a little like losing hope or purpose, even if only for a short moment... Starting this journey, I definitely felt inspired by her walk. And now... what? What was it all for? I had to let myself feel this, feel the Ecclesiastes lament, "Everything is meaningless...completely meaningless! What do people get for all their hard work under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth never changes....We don’t remember what happened in the past, and in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now." (chapter 1, verses 2-4, 11; New Living Translation)
Extreme reaction? I do not think so -- grief is real and loss needs to be processed. Did I camp out here? Thankfully no, I was able to find momentum (more on that below). However, I will not use that as an excuse to breeze past such uncomfortable questions and feelings. They linger... It is hard to wonder what will be the impact, the legacy of all this work, the pain, the recovery...
Thankfully I do believe that there is more to all this: my friend's life and death are not in vain -- she impacted MANY people and made a difference in this world. And even if future generations never know her name, I believe there is still a lasting purpose to her life, and mine, beyond this world. But that is a truth I had to REACH for this morning.
By God's grace in timing, I was part of an online CF mini-conference last night focusing on transplant. How inspiring and incredible to hear from so many more people who are facing or have faced similar paths as I am now! Their stories, their honesty not only buoyed me up and made me genuinely proud to be part of this incredible community around the world, but also gave me some important insight and "homework" to consider as we prepare. It was a genuinely strengthening and equipping evening. All that on top of the huge gift it is just to connect with other's living with CF (and their support people) -- it's an isolating disease because of some medical factors, so online interaction is a major unifying tool for us!
This is not what I was expecting when I embarked on this journey. I was not prepared to have the journey, the wins and losses of others become such a part of my own. Sure, to an extent, I likely thought about this (I love the power and importance of "story"). But these back-to-back experiences juxtaposed like this, it was a roller-coaster and sucker-punch. More importantly, it was like the wardrobe door being opened to another realm, to realize the depth of my personal experiences are both deepened further and paralleled by countless others around the world now, by those who have come before, by those who will follow... all connected.
- Anna
