It is an early April morning following a wintery attack on Southwestern Ontario, and on a personal level, a similarly tenacious cold/flu bug. Fuelled by midnight pizza and a restless mind, I find myself returning to this blog after a year, where two streams of thought are converging:
1) I love writing but never seem to carve out the time for it as a regular practice. It is my favourite mode of communication and I want to develop it, to bless others with it, and in my bolder moments, to really let my voice out into the world to speak truth and challenge injustice. I am simultaneously terrified every time because of the vulnerability of such a large platform. An email or letter between friends, posting on Facebook and Instagram only what I know will be "social media friendly" (i.e. not make anyone uncomfortable), these are less risky and have big rewards! Yet I'm feeling challenged to risk a little more lately with my writing.
2) I have an innate desire to help others realize their narrative. I experience deep meaning and honour in being invited to witness another's story and I am equally honoured to get to share my story with others. As a result I have journeyed with many incredible people over the years. More and more I realize that we all need this! There is power in story-telling, in sharing our experiences as a community. It brings things into the light and lets us heal. We find a place to be safe and where we are no longer "the only one". Let me be clear: I am well aware that the internet is not a safe emotional place and if you don't have strong in-person (real-life, not virtual) relationships, trying to get this need filled online is going to end badly. However, like any tool, it can be used for great things and my desire is to practice putting more of my journey out here, partly to keep many friends and family updated, and partly to invite others into the conversation, the journey, so they feel less alone. I have been enjoying the platform of Instagram especially for this, as I find it is full of more positivity and encouragement, especially when it comes to supporting others through struggles like health challenges.
These two streams are converging on this blog. Here I will attempt to process and chronicle my journey for the foreseeable future. I would be honoured by your care in journeying with me.
Since my last post, it's been a harder year than I anticipated health-wise. Much harder. I have shared some of this through Facebook and Instagram, that after 33 years of relatively healthy life with Cystic Fibrosis, I am in the process of moving toward a lung transplant. It has been a roller-coaster. Yet, it has also been one of the most stabilizing seasons I have experienced. This is thanks to God's grace and provision in surrounding me with the family, friends, coworkers, healthcare, and church community that I have.
Still, it is becoming more and more of a reality and the impacts of that are deep. I am recovering from a nasty wallop of a flu and realizing these things take much more of a toll than they used to. Every time I fight desperately to keep it under control, to not need IV meds because the more often I'm on them, the more we have to vary them so I don't develop a tolerance. Paradoxically, I know that being at this point means they're likely my best bet. Decision-making is challenging (thank goodness for an incredible health team!). It is also taking a massive toll emotionally. It's easy to forget how a lack of sleep and ongoing pain, discomfort, or shortness of breath can turn me into a different person, someone I don't recognize or like very much. Externally there doesn't appear to be much change (I'm an Internalizer), but it gets pretty bleak inside. It's good for me to share this here. It's also good for me to remember that I have shared this here, because I get wrapped up in thinking that no one can know I feel this way... well, that cat is out of the bag.
When health starts to come back, everything gets brighter, the seas calm and I can think clearly. I hope I continue to feel better over these next few days (so I don't have to go on IV antibiotics, please only Cipro!). Already the difference a day makes is extraordinary. It is good to write out these cycles so I can remember there is a season and a time for everything. Sometimes the dark doesn't need to be explained are escaped, it needs to be endured.
And if you are still reading this, thank you!! I hope you will find comfort in knowing that there is a time and season for everything, even if the time is SPRING and the season is... winter.